Friday, May 20, 2016

I can't believe I'm writing this - Why I'm sharing my big fat secret

I can hardly breathe. I'm so nervous writing this.

It's probably not that big of a deal to you, but I am as nervous as a new kid on the first day of school.

You see, my word of the year is "Brave".

I am trying to do things that scare the breath right out of me. I'm trying to push myself to grow by facing my fears head on.

And right now, my biggest fear is vulnerability when writing.

Thanks to the increasing pressures of social media, I think our tendency nowadays is to only show the perfectly made up version of our lives.

But pretending to be perfect and to have it all together helps no one.

Honestly, I think we're all a bit sick and tired of reading blogs where the blogger (bless her soul) has a "perfect" life. I want to see a picture of her without her makeup on, with a dirty house, crying her eyes out because she just feels fat today. Now that is a girl I can be friends with. That perfectly made up Barbie with the perfect marriage and perfect house? Ugh. I just can't. I'm totally over her.

So, as I climb down from my soap box, wearing my stretchy pants because I just can't get into my favorite jeans right now, I am going to tell you a big secret. A secret I'm ashamed of. A secret I have been hiding from my world.

Up until about a couple weeks ago, I was scared of what would happen if I wrote this and sent it into the world.

I was afraid of being subject to your opinions and judgement.

Who am I kidding? I am still scared of what will happen. But that's no longer an excuse for not writing something that might help you.

So now I'm being brave. I'm choosing to forget about what you think and to write about what I know I've been asked to write by my holy creator.

With God as my guide, I know I can do this. So here goes:

I struggle with my weight.

I talk a big game about eating right, exercise, the importance of being healthy, blah, blah, blah.

And I genuinely do think taking care of yourself is vital. But it's like I've been hiding behind my beliefs for so long, that I've failed to be honest about the fact that I find being healthy and respecting myself enough to take care of my body to be completely overwhelming.

I feel ashamed about my health struggles because I'm  disappointed that I fail to take care of something that matters so resolutely.

And you know what? I'm ashamed of my shame. It feels icky. It feels wrong. It feels like something I should not write and let you read. Because if I do, and you read it, then it's real. And if it's real then I have to deal with it. I have to fix it. I have to be better.

So now that I've cut my heart open and let you see what's inside, I have to decide what I'm going to do about it. I have to come up with a plan. I have to be better.

Because I have one body, and it is not my own. It belongs to my Creator. He has trusted me with it, and I must take care of it.

I hope this doesn't scare you. I hope this helps you breath a sigh of relief that you're not alone in feeling overwhelmed about your weight, your health, your diet, your worth.

And I hope you stick around to see what I do about it.

I said it before, and I'll say it again because it's worth repeating. With God as my guide (and my cheerleader, my companion, and so many other things) I can do this. I can take care of myself. I can be proud of how I've taken care of the health God has given me.

We all can. Let's brainstorm and get back together with some ideas, ok? Ok.